My Boy

Coming home is the hardest part
I always used to look forward to walking through the door
hearing the thud of his tail on the floor
Seeing his face light up when he saw mine
almost as if he was waiting by the door the whole time

Leaving home is the hardest part
I miss my goodbye kisses
I miss the old man's antics
The way he would roll over on his back
his toy in his mouth
radiating happiness
The way he would talk to you when he barked
I could talk to him about anything
He would always listen
Yes, I will miss that old fart
Never thought I'd say it
but I'm even going to miss his farts...

Being at home is the hardest part
He could barely get up or walk toward the end
but I'll be damned if he didn't follow me around every room
everywhere I went
inside or outside, rain or shine
He was my light & my shadow for 14 years
Being at home is the hardest part
Home was wherever I was with him

* * * * *

Even the great ones have to go
I know, some will say, "He was just a dog"
but Buddy was so much more than that to me
Growing up, he was like the brother I never had
As we both got older, he was like my child
I was a proud dad, still am

That dog made me a better man
He taught me a lot about unconditional love & loyalty
About never growing up
never giving up on the life you love
He fought time until the very end
seemingly ignoring the arthritis & nerve damage that wrecked his hips
Simply not paying attention to the congestive heart failure
All he cared about was fetching the ball in the yard
or bringing back the stick in the water
All he cared about was pleasing his family, his best friend
That feeling was mutual
I would do anything for that guy
He probably would've lived for me forever
pretended like he was fine
But I knew he was hurting
& I couldn't stand to see him suffer any longer
The hardest thing I've ever done was say goodbye

* * * * *

I laid down beside him on the floor at the vet's
& I could start to feel the anesthetic take effect
I looked in his eyes & remembered how he would always look at me
always watching out, making sure I was taken care of
I rubbed behind his ears & remembered how scared he would get
every time he heard the vacuum turn on
He was the biggest scaredy cat
He was even scared of cats
I scratched his stomach & remembered the time
when he jumped up on the kitchen counter
& ate a whole family-sized Hawaiian pizza from Papa Murphy's
Needless to say, he slept in the garage that night
I'm still impressed... can't believe he did that
My hand moved down his back, then along his tail
I massaged his bony hind legs
He sure did log a lot of miles on those things
He was just as competitive as I am
We both took our playing very seriously
We'd be out in the backyard for hours
me hitting the baseball & him bringing it back
That guy was an athlete
He could literally catch anything
The best hand-eye...
I mean, mouth-eye coordination
I've ever seen

All these memories came flooding back to me
& it was about then that I leaned down & hugged him
hanging on for dear life
It was about then that the vet took off her stethoscope
"He's gone"

* * * * *

The memories of him slid down my cheeks for weeks
It took awhile
but now I look back, think of him
& smile
They are happy tears now
I found solace the moment I realized he lived a long, happy life
I knew he knew that he was loved

He was a special soul
He was a blast when he was younger
& just as much fun when he was old
His happy-go-lucky, fun-loving, playful personality
captured the hearts of everyone who ever met him
He always put a smile on my face
no matter what was going on in life
no matter what anxieties or burdens dominated my mind
no matter what was on my plate

He was a one-of-a-kind kind of guy
Looking back, there were times in my life
that I simply wouldn't have made it
if not for him always by my side
Looking back, I can honestly say
that I needed him as much as he needed me

* * * * *

Rest in peace, my Buddy boy
I'll never forget all that you did for me
I'll always cherish the memories
You were a blessing & my best friend

A Drop in the Ocean

The ride up was arduous -
a royal (& literal) pain in the ass.
His legs & lungs burned,
gravity & momentum worked against him...
But he kept his head down,
kept pedaling, one breath at a time,
& he eventually reached the apex of his efforts,
the summit of his struggles.

A break in the trees revealed a sparkling sea beyond the bluff.
The reflecting sunshine gleamed in his eyes
as he looked out at a sailboat journeying onward,
toward a horizon of infinite possibility.

* * * * *

The bike ride up was daunting & exhausting,
but the struggle was worth the view from the top.
The immensity of the sea
shrunk all of his worries & problems
down to actual size.
Once he took the time to reflect & respect the summit he had climbed,
once he realized how small his place was in this brutal,
yet beautiful world,
& that we're all in this together...
it was all downhill from there. 

iAdmit

I turn into Gollum when I can't find my phone.

"Where is it? 

Where has it gone? 

The precious is lost!"

I get freaky like Frodo.

Seriously, I'm only half kidding.

It's pathetic how powerless I am 

when my phone is out of my sight.

A panic comes over me when it isn't in my hand, 

in my pocket or on my nightstand.

I can barely think,

can barely breathe.

It's even more ridiculous how relieved I am 

when I eventually find it. 

It's pitiful how powerful 

this device's vise is on my mind.

It reminds me to think sometimes, 

then causes me not to.

I rely on my phone to make me invisible

in waiting rooms & on buses. 

(Isn't it ironic how a device with so many connecting capabilities

can inevitably leave one feeling so disconnected?) 

I'm attached;

without it, I'm lacking, I feel naked.

This is definitely an obsession I must confront. 

If I don't establish some degree of moderation, 

I honestly believe this touch screen will leave me out of touch with reality. 

I'll be blind to the world beyond my news feed 

& deaf to the people within my vicinity. 

But, you know, I can't lie...

I know I can't let it go.

I know what must be done,

but I also know this battle of dependency will never truly be won. 

I must confront this obsession of mine... at some point in time.

The words of a procrastinating prophet always ring true.

- Sent from my iPhone 

Yard Work

I often get reflective when thinking about perspective... 

They say the grass is always greener on the other side.

What the clichés don't say, though,

is that the grass on your side wouldn't be so damn brown

if you just took the time to water it.

The best way to get what you want 

is to put in the effort

& to care about what you already have.

I often get reflective when thinking about perspective...

Reminiscing over resurfacing memories,

feelings or emotions I neglected 

& pushed aside at the time when they occurred...

I've learned that materialistic tendencies 

& extreme objectivity,

can skew our view of reality, 

can blind us to what really matters.

Yes, I often get too reflective when I overthink perspective...

Like an over corrective detective,

desperately searching for the most effective,

least subjective method.

But who am I kidding?

It's not complicated.

It isn't a mystery.

Sometimes it's easiest

to just love,

to just live.

Simplicity really is the key

when putting it all into perspective.

Lost & Found

Last night started off like any other night. It was about 6 o'clock in the evening, & my grandparents & I took our dogs for a ride up in the Blue Mountains. It's something of a tradition of ours, to escape humanity for awhile & drive around the wilderness. Everything was going according to plan - that is, until we stopped to let the dogs out. Brendy (dog on the left of the photo) took off after a deer & disappeared into a valley. She was gone, just like that. After calling her name & looking for her for over 3 hours, we started to lose hope. Grandpa tied his shirt up to a tree so she had something to come back to, & we made our way back home, empty handed. I'll never forget that car ride. None of us said anything the whole way home, we just cried. We all somehow felt responsible for what had happened.
When we got back home Grandpa & I were out in the garage, sitting there in stunned silence. We agreed that we would go back up there early in the morning. But after about 10 seconds, the guilt became too much for me to take.
"What the hell are we doing?"
Grandpa stood up & understood exactly what I meant.
"You're right," he said. "Let's go."
We went in the house & Grandma was already packing stuff up for us. Somehow she knew we were going back up there. Somehow she always knows.
"I'll stay here with Buddy (my old yellow lab in the photo)," she said. "You two be careful."
So off we went, driving into the darkness, both of us not knowing what to expect. As we drove up the mountain the only thing we could hear was our own voices echoing in the distance.
"Brendy!" Grandpa yelled. "Brendy Lou, get back he-..." He broke down. "Goddammit, Alex, why did this have to happen?" he asked between sobs. "How did we let this happen?"
"Don't lose hope yet, Grandpa," I said, although I was thinking something entirely different.
At about that time some deer ran across the road in front of us. I stopped the truck, afraid there were more coming. I looked up the road & saw a pair of eyes reflecting off the headlights. The eyes were running toward the truck. That's not a deer, I thought to myself. Is it a cougar? A bear? My heart began to pound in my chest.
Then she came into view.
"It's Brendy! Grandpa, it's Brendy!"
I got out of the truck & she slowly made her way toward me, seemingly not believing what she was seeing. Neither was I. It was like looking at a ghost. I opened up the back door of the truck & without a moment's hesitation she jumped in. She crawled up to the front seat & began licking my face. Grandpa hugged her & I didn't think he was going to ever let go. Tears ran down his face, this time the happy kind.
"Let's get you home, girl," he said. "I can't wait to see the look on Grandma's face."

* * * * *

We found her (she found us, really) at 1:30 AM only about 100 feet away from where Grandpa left his shirt. I still can't believe we got her back.
I learned a lot last night about fear, regret, & guilt, among other things. But most importantly, I realized the power of never giving up hope.

Hollow Masks

sacrificing self-acceptance

for petty public attention

consistently lying to yourself

                         by the guilt

weighed down

it's like borrowing character

from somebody else

those loans won't help

we always end up paying

for all the facades we build

A Walk With Fate

She sat, darkness dousing the sound of her own pounding guilt.
The devouring sound came from a wound within -- a wounded womb.
She swam from day to day by way of her tears.
In all of her 18 years alive, she had never felt so dead.
The hollowed hope in her head, though, kept her afloat.
Some symptoms still surfaced... what would be the odds?
The doctor came back with the test results.
"My God... "

* * * * * * *


There was a warm breeze at our backs as we trekked up the trail.

I'll never forget how the Tri-Cities looked underneath that summer sunset.

(Sure, the desert can sometimes be an ugly place

But the beauty is surely there if you look for it.)

The words came easy between me & my mom on that fateful hike.

Eventually she asked if I was happy where I was at,

& I told her that I thought I belonged.

Then she suddenly stopped walking, I stopped talking.

She looked me right in the eye & said,

"It's time you knew...

I had an abortion when I was pregnant with you.

& yet, there you were!
& here you are.

You are meant to be here.
So wherever you are, that's where you're supposed to be.

Trust me."

I would be pretending if I said that conversation didn't change me.
At first, honestly, I was angry.

Then it became clear to me, it all made sense.
Hearing about the abortion that should've eliminated my existence
somehow cleared my conscience.

I'm thankful just to be here

& to grow old with all my kindred souls on this world.
It's true what they say, you know:
blessings are often disguised as burdens.

I am meant to be here
& I refuse to live in fear.

It's my time to make the most of my time.

It's my time to be myself: someone no one has ever been.