Lost & Found

Last night started off like any other night. It was about 6 o'clock in the evening, & my grandparents & I took our dogs for a ride up in the Blue Mountains. It's something of a tradition of ours, to escape humanity for awhile & drive around the wilderness. Everything was going according to plan - that is, until we stopped to let the dogs out. Brendy (dog on the left of the photo) took off after a deer & disappeared into a valley. She was gone, just like that. After calling her name & looking for her for over 3 hours, we started to lose hope. Grandpa tied his shirt up to a tree so she had something to come back to, & we made our way back home, empty handed. I'll never forget that car ride. None of us said anything the whole way home, we just cried. We all somehow felt responsible for what had happened.
When we got back home Grandpa & I were out in the garage, sitting there in stunned silence. We agreed that we would go back up there early in the morning. But after about 10 seconds, the guilt became too much for me to take.
"What the hell are we doing?"
Grandpa stood up & understood exactly what I meant.
"You're right," he said. "Let's go."
We went in the house & Grandma was already packing stuff up for us. Somehow she knew we were going back up there. Somehow she always knows.
"I'll stay here with Buddy (my old yellow lab in the photo)," she said. "You two be careful."
So off we went, driving into the darkness, both of us not knowing what to expect. As we drove up the mountain the only thing we could hear was our own voices echoing in the distance.
"Brendy!" Grandpa yelled. "Brendy Lou, get back he-..." He broke down. "Goddammit, Alex, why did this have to happen?" he asked between sobs. "How did we let this happen?"
"Don't lose hope yet, Grandpa," I said, although I was thinking something entirely different.
At about that time some deer ran across the road in front of us. I stopped the truck, afraid there were more coming. I looked up the road & saw a pair of eyes reflecting off the headlights. The eyes were running toward the truck. That's not a deer, I thought to myself. Is it a cougar? A bear? My heart began to pound in my chest.
Then she came into view.
"It's Brendy! Grandpa, it's Brendy!"
I got out of the truck & she slowly made her way toward me, seemingly not believing what she was seeing. Neither was I. It was like looking at a ghost. I opened up the back door of the truck & without a moment's hesitation she jumped in. She crawled up to the front seat & began licking my face. Grandpa hugged her & I didn't think he was going to ever let go. Tears ran down his face, this time the happy kind.
"Let's get you home, girl," he said. "I can't wait to see the look on Grandma's face."

* * * * *

We found her (she found us, really) at 1:30 AM only about 100 feet away from where Grandpa left his shirt. I still can't believe we got her back.
I learned a lot last night about fear, regret, & guilt, among other things. But most importantly, I realized the power of never giving up hope.

Hollow Masks

sacrificing self-acceptance

for petty public attention

consistently lying to yourself

                         by the guilt

weighed down

it's like borrowing character

from somebody else

those loans won't help

we always end up paying

for all the facades we build

A Walk With Fate

She sat, darkness dousing the sound of her own pounding guilt.
The devouring sound came from a wound within -- a wounded womb.
She swam from day to day by way of her tears.
In all of her 18 years alive, she had never felt so dead.
The hollowed hope in her head, though, kept her afloat.
Some symptoms still surfaced... what would be the odds?
The doctor came back with the test results.
"My God... "

* * * * * * *


There was a warm breeze at our backs as we trekked up the trail.

I'll never forget how the Tri-Cities looked underneath that summer sunset.

(Sure, the desert can sometimes be an ugly place

But the beauty is surely there if you look for it.)

The words came easy between me & my mom on that fateful hike.

Eventually she asked if I was happy where I was at,

& I told her that I thought I belonged.

Then she suddenly stopped walking, I stopped talking.

She looked me right in the eye & said,

"It's time you knew...

I had an abortion when I was pregnant with you.

& yet, there you were!
& here you are.

You are meant to be here.
So wherever you are, that's where you're supposed to be.

Trust me."

I would be pretending if I said that conversation didn't change me.
At first, honestly, I was angry.

Then it became clear to me, it all made sense.
Hearing about the abortion that should've eliminated my existence
somehow cleared my conscience.

I'm thankful just to be here

& to grow old with all my kindred souls on this world.
It's true what they say, you know:
blessings are often disguised as burdens.

I am meant to be here
& I refuse to live in fear.

It's my time to make the most of my time.

It's my time to be myself: someone no one has ever been.

Rippling Effect

I recently told a friend 

I'd never like a song with that word in it ever again

But I quickly accepted defeat

Kept nodding my head to the repeating beats...

There was once a time when we were simply seeking peace

We were seemingly making progress in the process of deleting it

But now we're writing it in permanent ink

So we can see the words

Again & aggin

Now we're just going sdrawkcab

How did we let this happen?

Over the years tears & blood have been spent

Now it's a term of endearment

"Only WE can say it"

Despite all the pain

The double standards still remain

What a shame...

I did a little experiment to back up this vent

I heard it 75 times in Magna Carta*

Hidden, intertwined in Jay Z's rhymes

That got me thinking...

What about Biggie?

& Jeezy?

& Weezy?

& you can't forget Yeezus

Their choice of words has an impact on us

In all their fan's minds that word is just fine

I realized I was one of them

Rehearsing their verses

Again & aggin

Why is it so intriguing?

Maybe it's just me

But it seems like the same people who're angry it's still here

Are the ones who're actually keeping it relevant

It's pathetic how accustomed we are to these racial epithets

America, we've been conned

The entertainment industry has altered history

"Nigga" is now an accepted part of our lexicon


* Magna Carta is Jay Z's 12th studio album. To this date, 1,060,000 copies have been sold in the United States.  

FriENDship

She was my first kiss, I’ll never forget

We were playing house out in the woods with the other kids

She was “Mom,” I was “Dad”

It was the best acceptable excuse we had

We were only seven,

but even then, there was an inevitable attraction

Some of us are simply bound on a collision course with one another

I moved away in the 4^th grade, but our friendship remained

Seems like the hardships only brought us closer

I remember coming back for the funeral

We cried & cried & cried & cried

I remember wiping the tears off her face when her dad died

An accidental suicide

I remember hugging her & not wanting to let go

I remember thinking things wouldn’t quite be the same after that day

& they never were

Next thing we knew, we weren’t kids anymore

High school graduation

That last true summer vacation

I moved back to Dayton

& we both started a harvest job with the Grain Growers

If only we had known then what was in store…

“I know this sounds crazy, but I think we should start dating”

“Oh please, you’re like my sister”

“Don’t say that, you know we’re supposed to be together”

& on it went

On & off & on, again & again, consistent as sin

I should’ve never listened to her

The famously dangerous drug also known as lust

Sure crept up on us

Me, especially

There’s obviously a certain trust that comes with intimacy

What we conceal, then reveal

Tell someone how we really feel

Believe me, I know that

But apparently I was too blind to see clearly that August night

I don’t know why I allowed myself to be sucked in

The self-imposed pressure to impress everybody

Only compressed me down into a nobody

Into somebody who only thought of himself

Someone who disregarded the respect she deserved

The respect that she neglected herself of

I made it my life’s mission to make hers brighter

& yet I eventually provided the lighter

Only made the flames burn higher & higher

The smallest spark can start a fire

Words, actions that can’t be taken back

The ones that connect our past with the present

& change the future

I should’ve never said that

I should’ve never done that behind your back

But I did

& I’ve had to live with it ever since

From the beginning, seemingly until the end…

But then, just like that, & forever was over

She was gone

I’ll never forgive myself for what I did

I’ve held this in for far too long

I sure do miss my friend

I'm No Nomad

Author's note: I recently moved to a new town. A lot of thoughts have been going through my head since I've gotten here. Here a few of them.

Earlier today I went downtown,

found a bench, sat down, looked around,

& realized I didn't know anyone.

I'm a stranger, surrounded by strangers, in this strange land.

I scurried home not long after that thought crossed my mind,

my tail tucked between my legs. 

Seemingly on a whim

I find myself in this little town called Sequim. 

It'll surely take a while to get used to this place.

* * * * * * *

A map of the Puget Sound is on the wall of my new room.

My hometown is completely out of sight,

on the opposite side of the state...

The smell of the once distant ocean drifts through the window.

Fear of the unknown comes in waves, some stronger than others.

A barge makes its presence known in the night.

The horn blast reverberates atop the water, the sand,

& then echoes across the land on which I know reside. 

There's no denying: I was scared to come here. 

I'm a stick in the mud, a creature of habit -

Change just isn't my thing. 

& yet change is everything.
Change is the only constant.

How can we grow without letting go of our fears?

With that said, I can't lie (believe me, I've tried),

my confidence doesn't travel well.

Hell, it often runs dry.

Over my 22 years, I've relied on others to remind me who I am.

I will miss those friends more than anything...

But this isn't goodbye, it's only "til next time."

Thanks to them, I don't have to begin again.

I'm beyond fortunate; I really do have it made.

I may now be in a different place,

but it's still the same face looking back at me in the mirror.

This move has made one thing clear:

This house may or may not become my home,

but I, alone, must become my own comfort zone.

Happiness derives from within.

Update (Forever) in Progress

He sat there,

spinning around in a swivel chair,

frustrated by it all.

His laptop was on the smooth oak counter in front of him.

The system update was progressing rather slowly…

- - - 25% complete - - -

He began to explore the Web while waiting,

quickly becoming entangled.

He signed into Facebook to take a look

at the girls who habitually post pictures –

not believing in their beauty until receiving at least 15 likes,
their confidence depending on the comments. 

He scrolled down through the plagiarized quotes,

the list of borrowed song lyrics – copied & pasted.

What’s the point?

To pretend that you have it figured out more than most?

To make people think on the other side of their screens,

“Hey, yes! By God, that’s it! He’s found it!”

The meaning of life in a post.

- - - 50% complete - - -

 How confusing…

He signed out, began perusing through the links,

looking for his calling,

the dream,

the scheme,

the means

in which he would make all of his money.

How about a firefighter?

A liar A lawyer?

Or what about a psychologist?

He began to lose himself in the lists

somebody else had devised for him.

He took a personality test so someone else could tell him.

INFJ, it said.

“Oh, that was easy.

Wait… what does that even mean?”

- - - 75% complete - - -

& the search continues…

He gave up, put his headphones on,

put his head in his hands in defeat.

Next thing, he woke up,

not quite sure how long he’d seemingly been asleep.

He looked up to find that the laptop was off,

the update undoubtedly complete.

His reflection was looking back at him in the now black & empty screen.

They stared at each other for a while, analyzing, smiling.

His grandmother opened up the door, startling them.

He paused the song in his head.

“There you are,” she said. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“Why, yes, here I am.

I guess I’ve been here all along.”

- - - 1∞%  - - -