10.22.2013

FriENDship

She was my first kiss, I’ll never forget
We were playing house out in the woods with the other kids
She was “Mom,” I was “Dad”
It was the best acceptable excuse we had
We were only seven,
but even then, there was an inevitable attraction
Some of us are simply bound on a collision course with one another

I moved away in the 4th grade, but our friendship remained
Seems like the hardships only brought us closer
I remember coming back for the funeral
We cried & cried & cried & cried
I remember wiping the tears off her face when her dad died
An accidental suicide
I remember hugging her & not wanting to let go
I remember thinking things wouldn’t quite be the same after that day
& they never were

Next thing we knew, we weren’t kids anymore
High school graduation
That last true summer vacation
I moved back to Dayton
& we both started a harvest job with the Grain Growers
If only we had known then what was in store…
“I know this sounds crazy, but I think we should start dating”
“Oh please, you’re like my sister”
“Don’t say that, you know we’re supposed to be together”
& on it went
On & off & on, again & again, consistent as sin
I should’ve never listened to her

The famously dangerous drug also known as lust
Sure crept up on us
Me, especially
There’s obviously a certain trust that comes with intimacy
What we conceal, then reveal
Tell someone how we really feel
Believe me, I know that
But apparently I was too blind to see clearly that August night
I don’t know why I allowed myself to be sucked in
The self-imposed pressure to impress everybody
Only compressed me down into a nobody
Into somebody who only thought of himself
Someone who disregarded the respect she deserved
The respect that she neglected herself of

I made it my life’s mission to make hers brighter
& yet I eventually provided the lighter
Only made the flames burn higher & higher
The smallest spark can start a fire

Words, actions that can’t be taken back
The ones that connect our past with the present
& change the future
I should’ve never said that
I should’ve never done that behind your back
But I did
& I’ve had to live with it ever since

From the beginning, seemingly until the end…
But then, just like that, & forever was over
She was gone
I’ll never forgive myself for what I did
I’ve held this in for far too long
I sure do miss my friend

44 comments:

  1. man. its hard...once you cross that line and then turning back....hardly ever works...and makes it hard as well to decide is it really worth destroying the friendship?

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    1. One of life's hard-learned lessons. Thanks for the comment, Brian.

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  2. This touched me... how your loose a friend to lust. But sometimes there is no choice -- could one say it's inevitable? still a strong confession... but I hope that somewhere there is a way back..

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    1. I hope for the same, my friend. Thanks for stopping by.

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  3. One of those unknowing ah ha moments in life. >KB

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  4. How painful to lose a friend like that ~ When you are young, sometimes you don't know the consequences of your actions until its too late ~

    Thanks for the heart felt share ~

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    1. Too true, Grace. Thanks for the heartfelt comment.

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  5. This is a life journey I recognize... a deep friendship that ends and constantly replays in the memory.

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    1. Yes, the constant replay, day after day. Thanks for reading, Colin.

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  6. I was very moved by this writing, Alex. I think a person has to be able to forgive himself and realize we all are human and sometimes make mistakes along the way. I do FEEL your feelings in this poem & hope it helped to write the thoughts down.

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    1. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for how it ended. But yes, writing it down did help a little. Thanks for the comment, Mary,

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  7. A sad story, played out too often. I felt it.

    =)

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  8. It's too easy to lose what we should value most highly; a thoughtless word or action is all it takes to leave only a lifetime of regrets. Heartfelt writing, Alex - although I would have liked more detail in this confessional poem - even if the details weren't all true.

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    1. Thanks for the comment & the suggestion.

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  9. So hard..once we cross that line, there is no turning back. Sorry.

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  10. Friendship is something to cherish... and when you lose it, it is heart-breaking.
    Thank you for sharing such a heart-felt poem. I could feel your words.
    -HA

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    1. Yes, very much so. Thank you for taking the time to read my work.

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  11. Such a sad story, but so human--a part of growing up, of learning. The title gave such a good indication of where this was going. I suppose we all have similar regrets.

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  12. never is a long time - consider, perhaps, someday... ~ M

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  13. Did you love her and leave her? I'm still thinking about an accidental suicide.

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    1. I wish it were that simple, Colleen. I think about it every day.

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  14. Relationships are such tricky business. Love the way you gave a clue about the poem in your title.

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    1. Glad you liked the wordplay. Thanks, M.J.

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  15. Everyone has one of those I bet, relationships sure are complicated sometimes

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    1. As humans, we often find a way to complicate even the simplest of things. Thanks for the comment, Pat.

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  16. Wow. This was a wonderful poem. Very powerful. Oh love & lust!

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    1. Glad you felt it. Thanks for the kind comment, Katie.

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  17. As ever Alex
    your narrative is engaging and interesting
    and a breeze to read with pleasure. I have a few similar stories,
    I would love to say 'let it go' and 'move on' but this is probably impossible,
    you just have to learn to live with it, or maybe channel the feelings into something positive, so it doesn't eat you up.

    nice job bro

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  18. Thank you for sharing your story here.

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  19. It's easy to say you can't change the past, much harder to do. I suppose if we learn from our mistakes, that can help, but even so, the pain of looking back at ourselves and our actions -it's still there. We all know. Thank goodness we can write about it. An excellent job.

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  20. So painfully poignant and well expressed.

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  21. Alex, I suspect this is an oft-told (or not told) story. That fine line between deep friendship and lust is hard to deal with. I had a childhood boy-friend/neighbor. When he was about 15 he was killed in an horrible accident. I often wonder what could have been. There is sadness and yet the freeing of telling the story here.

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope the good memories of him fill that void. Thank you for your comment, Victoria.

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