She was my first kiss, I’ll never forget
We were playing house out in the woods with the other kids
She was “Mom,” I was “Dad”
It was the best acceptable excuse we had
We were only seven,
but even then, there was an inevitable attraction
Some of us are simply bound on a collision course with one another

I moved away in the 4th grade, but our friendship remained
Seems like the hardships only brought us closer
I remember coming back for the funeral
We cried & cried & cried & cried
I remember wiping the tears off her face when her dad died
An accidental suicide
I remember hugging her & not wanting to let go
I remember thinking things wouldn’t quite be the same after that day
& they never were

Next thing we knew, we weren’t kids anymore
High school graduation
That last true summer vacation
I moved back to Dayton
& we both started a harvest job with the Grain Growers
If only we had known then what was in store…
“I know this sounds crazy, but I think we should start dating”
“Oh please, you’re like my sister”
“Don’t say that, you know we’re supposed to be together”
& on it went
On & off & on, again & again, consistent as sin
I should’ve never listened to her

The famously dangerous drug also known as lust
Sure crept up on us
Me, especially
There’s obviously a certain trust that comes with intimacy
What we conceal, then reveal
Tell someone how we really feel
Believe me, I know that
But apparently I was too blind to see clearly that August night
I don’t know why I allowed myself to be sucked in
The self-imposed pressure to impress everybody
Only compressed me down into a nobody
Into somebody who only thought of himself
Someone who disregarded the respect she deserved
The respect that she neglected herself of

I made it my life’s mission to make hers brighter
& yet I eventually provided the lighter
Only made the flames burn higher & higher
The smallest spark can start a fire

Words, actions that can’t be taken back
The ones that connect our past with the present
& change the future
I should’ve never said that
I should’ve never done that behind your back
But I did
& I’ve had to live with it ever since

From the beginning, seemingly until the end…
But then, just like that, & forever was over
She was gone
I’ll never forgive myself for what I did
I’ve held this in for far too long
I sure do miss my friend