12.08.2013

A Walk With Fate

She sat, darkness dousing the sound of her own pounding guilt.
The devouring sound came from a wound within -- a wounded womb.
She swam from day to day by way of her tears.
In all of her 18 years alive, she had never felt so dead.
The hollowed hope in her head, though, kept her afloat.
Some symptoms still surfaced... what would be the odds?
The doctor came back with the test results.

"My God... "

* * * * * * *


There was a warm breeze at our backs as we trekked up the trail.
I'll never forget how the Tri-Cities looked underneath that summer sunset.
(Sure, the desert can sometimes be an ugly place
But the beauty is surely there if you look for it.)
The words came easy between me & my mom on that fateful hike.
Eventually she asked if I was happy where I was at,
& I told her that I thought I belonged.
Then she suddenly stopped walking, I stopped talking.
She looked me right in the eye & said,
"It's time you knew...
I had an abortion when I was pregnant with you.
& yet, there you were!
& here you are.
You are meant to be here.
So wherever you are, that's where you're supposed to be.
Trust me."

I would be pretending if I said that conversation didn't change me.
At first, honestly, I was angry.
Then it became clear to me, it all made sense.
Hearing about the abortion that should've eliminated my existence
somehow cleared my conscience.

I'm thankful just to be here
& to grow old with all my kindred souls on this world.
It's true what they say, you know:
blessings are often disguised as burdens.

I am meant to be here
& I refuse to live in fear.
It's my time to make the most of my time.
It's my time to be myself: someone no one has ever been.

54 comments:

  1. oh heck... i can imagine how tough that must have been to hear but then it makes the miracle of life even bigger... you're here for a reason...you're wanted... now go and rock that world...smiles

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  2. goodness...wow...hard to fathom...but you were spared for a reason as well...and you can find that...really a stirring tale alex...thanks for sharing it...

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  3. Whew, Alex, that is a powerful tale. That must really make a person think about why they survived. You were apparently a fighter from the time you were in your mother's womb. You truly ARE blessed. I am sure that your mother must be glad you are here as well. This poem deserves a wide audience, Alex, for many reasons.

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    1. It definitely makes me think "why me?" but it also makes me think "why not me?" I'm glad you enjoyed it, Mary.

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  4. Alex, this was quite a story.. such an important thing but still almost a burden to bear. I think you have taken a very sound attitude to it... and for sure there is a purpose with things like that... Maybe also for your mother..

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    1. Yes, it's both a blessing & a burden. Thanks for stopping by, Bjorn.

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  5. Wow. Excellent, Alex. Happy new year. Look forward to more poetry from you this year.

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    1. Thanks, Emmett. I look forward to hearing from you.

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  6. What a blessing it all turned out to be ~ Thanks for the moving and personal share Alex ~ You are blessing, smiles ~

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  7. What a great story. You were meant to be here! Thanks for sharing.

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  8. wow... I would be pissed off at first... forreal... ya know what, I can't say I would do this or that bcus hell i really dont know... but it's pretty obvious you are here for a REASON. be you and figure out what differences you're meant to make in this world! peace.

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    1. I was at first, but then I realized I didn't really have a right to be pissed, you know? It sent me on a roller coaster of emotions for awhile but I've come to terms with it & this life is truly a gift. Peace to you, Anthony.

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  9. The reason for our existence...the eternal question for each of us. A wonderfully told story about the most unusual of beginnings.

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  10. From what she said it sounds as if your mother is grateful you are here now. But I can't begin to imagine how you must have felt when you were first told and even how it still makes you feel. Very powerful write, Alex!

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    1. She told me I was the greatest thing to ever happen to her. To abort a child & immediately feel like you made the worst mistake of your life, then to hear weeks later that, just kidding, you're still pregnant... Damn, I can only imagine.

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  11. It takes strength to not only tell someone this, but to hear it. And for you to re-tell it. Thank you.

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    1. Yes, it was very courageous of my mom to tell me. It took her 19 years to work up the courage to do it, but I'm glad she did.

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  12. Goodness me, Alex. I have no way to understand what it was like to hear this - you tell it so well, just as it seems it was (or at leas, aspects of it). Writing about events in our lives is a way of processing and dealing - very well done indeed. I'm glad you're here!

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    1. I'm still processing it, & I probably always will have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Thank you so much for the kind words.

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  13. to every season... there is a reason... and a time to every purpose under heaven!. God speed!

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  14. This really Touched my Heart. A Truly Wonderful Poem!

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  15. Wow. Intense write. Great job. Really love the last line. :-)

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    1. It was a challenge to pick which line to end on, but that one just felt right. Thank you, Katie :)

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  16. Wow what a powerful story from the heart. You and your mother are strong people I hope you are always "there" for each other and you find forgiveness in each breath you take.

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  17. No random act supposedly, so meant to be here indeed

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  18. that is strong, and I must say your mother is too for bearing her soul...go out and make this world a better place...blessings...bkm

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  19. That piece of honest news must have brought out a whole range of emotions. But is is incredible that you are with us, and I'm so glad you are.

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  20. Powerful, beautiful and such an important message! Sharing. Yes, you were meant to be here! I'm so glad you were born!

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  21. A very interesting piece Alex. Forthright and honestly done. >KB

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  22. Wow. What an intimate thing to share with us, and so beautifully done. I believe God has a purpose for everything, and obviously something very special for you!
    I'm glad you're here, and that you shared. Powerful message. Brave mom. Even braver son.
    A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z Challenge 2014 (where our poem from this week is)
    Tina @ Life is Good (where I'm from)

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  23. I find myself wondering why she told you. This is a meaningful piece for you to write. Your mother was meant to be your mother. Glad you are fully embracing life and her. Beautiful write.

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    1. She waited 19 years to tell me, & believe me, it was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. Thank you for the comment!

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  24. Young man, you have stories to tell now, and many more as time passes. I'm pleased you're working with words to sort your ideas. I predict this is one story you will turn over again and again. Your life spared, by happy accident or divine intervention, gives you a reason to live with intent. We can hear it in your words. We can feel it. I'm a poet who writes frequently about classic and tragic maternal conflicts. I was not treated well, and it took becoming a mother for me to seize the chance to finally live, taking no moment for granted, and cherishing, protecting, loving my kids fiercely. You have that drive now, to not take your life for granted. Live loud and hard. Go everywhere. See everything. Keep writing, start painting, just take this gift of life, and make things!

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    1. Thank you for sharing that, great advice. Best of luck to you on your journey, Wyeth. I look forward to hearing more from you in the future!

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  25. Adversity..iS what makes everything happen in life..i truly think...

    That is a miracle..and you are star for being here..generating creativity..to spark more life...

    Life is beautiful..all of IT
    AS you..Happy New Year2

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    1. Yes, adversity is necessary. Thank you for the kind words, Kate. Happy New Year to you!

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  26. I'm sure that was such a difficult thing to hear... and I admire your reaction. You are a gift.

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    1. Your feedback over the years has been a gift. Thank you.

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