Hollow Masks

sacrificing self-acceptance

for petty public attention

consistently lying to yourself

                         by the guilt

weighed down

it's like borrowing character

from somebody else

those loans won't help

we always end up paying

for all the facades we build

A Walk With Fate

She sat, darkness dousing the sound of her own pounding guilt.
The devouring sound came from a wound within -- a wounded womb.
She swam from day to day by way of her tears.
In all of her 18 years alive, she had never felt so dead.
The hollowed hope in her head, though, kept her afloat.
Some symptoms still surfaced... what would be the odds?
The doctor came back with the test results.
"My God... "

* * * * * * *


There was a warm breeze at our backs as we trekked up the trail.

I'll never forget how the Tri-Cities looked underneath that summer sunset.

(Sure, the desert can sometimes be an ugly place

But the beauty is surely there if you look for it.)

The words came easy between me & my mom on that fateful hike.

Eventually she asked if I was happy where I was at,

& I told her that I thought I belonged.

Then she suddenly stopped walking, I stopped talking.

She looked me right in the eye & said,

"It's time you knew...

I had an abortion when I was pregnant with you.

& yet, there you were!
& here you are.

You are meant to be here.
So wherever you are, that's where you're supposed to be.

Trust me."

I would be pretending if I said that conversation didn't change me.
At first, honestly, I was angry.

Then it became clear to me, it all made sense.
Hearing about the abortion that should've eliminated my existence
somehow cleared my conscience.

I'm thankful just to be here

& to grow old with all my kindred souls on this world.
It's true what they say, you know:
blessings are often disguised as burdens.

I am meant to be here
& I refuse to live in fear.

It's my time to make the most of my time.

It's my time to be myself: someone no one has ever been.

Rippling Effect

I recently told a friend 

I'd never like a song with that word in it ever again

But I quickly accepted defeat

Kept nodding my head to the repeating beats...

There was once a time when we were simply seeking peace

We were seemingly making progress in the process of deleting it

But now we're writing it in permanent ink

So we can see the words

Again & aggin

Now we're just going sdrawkcab

How did we let this happen?

Over the years tears & blood have been spent

Now it's a term of endearment

"Only WE can say it"

Despite all the pain

The double standards still remain

What a shame...

I did a little experiment to back up this vent

I heard it 75 times in Magna Carta*

Hidden, intertwined in Jay Z's rhymes

That got me thinking...

What about Biggie?

& Jeezy?

& Weezy?

& you can't forget Yeezus

Their choice of words has an impact on us

In all their fan's minds that word is just fine

I realized I was one of them

Rehearsing their verses

Again & aggin

Why is it so intriguing?

Maybe it's just me

But it seems like the same people who're angry it's still here

Are the ones who're actually keeping it relevant

It's pathetic how accustomed we are to these racial epithets

America, we've been conned

The entertainment industry has altered history

"Nigga" is now an accepted part of our lexicon


* Magna Carta is Jay Z's 12th studio album. To this date, 1,060,000 copies have been sold in the United States.  

FriENDship

She was my first kiss, I’ll never forget

We were playing house out in the woods with the other kids

She was “Mom,” I was “Dad”

It was the best acceptable excuse we had

We were only seven,

but even then, there was an inevitable attraction

Some of us are simply bound on a collision course with one another

I moved away in the 4^th grade, but our friendship remained

Seems like the hardships only brought us closer

I remember coming back for the funeral

We cried & cried & cried & cried

I remember wiping the tears off her face when her dad died

An accidental suicide

I remember hugging her & not wanting to let go

I remember thinking things wouldn’t quite be the same after that day

& they never were

Next thing we knew, we weren’t kids anymore

High school graduation

That last true summer vacation

I moved back to Dayton

& we both started a harvest job with the Grain Growers

If only we had known then what was in store…

“I know this sounds crazy, but I think we should start dating”

“Oh please, you’re like my sister”

“Don’t say that, you know we’re supposed to be together”

& on it went

On & off & on, again & again, consistent as sin

I should’ve never listened to her

The famously dangerous drug also known as lust

Sure crept up on us

Me, especially

There’s obviously a certain trust that comes with intimacy

What we conceal, then reveal

Tell someone how we really feel

Believe me, I know that

But apparently I was too blind to see clearly that August night

I don’t know why I allowed myself to be sucked in

The self-imposed pressure to impress everybody

Only compressed me down into a nobody

Into somebody who only thought of himself

Someone who disregarded the respect she deserved

The respect that she neglected herself of

I made it my life’s mission to make hers brighter

& yet I eventually provided the lighter

Only made the flames burn higher & higher

The smallest spark can start a fire

Words, actions that can’t be taken back

The ones that connect our past with the present

& change the future

I should’ve never said that

I should’ve never done that behind your back

But I did

& I’ve had to live with it ever since

From the beginning, seemingly until the end…

But then, just like that, & forever was over

She was gone

I’ll never forgive myself for what I did

I’ve held this in for far too long

I sure do miss my friend

I'm No Nomad

Author's note: I recently moved to a new town. A lot of thoughts have been going through my head since I've gotten here. Here a few of them.

Earlier today I went downtown,

found a bench, sat down, looked around,

& realized I didn't know anyone.

I'm a stranger, surrounded by strangers, in this strange land.

I scurried home not long after that thought crossed my mind,

my tail tucked between my legs. 

Seemingly on a whim

I find myself in this little town called Sequim. 

It'll surely take a while to get used to this place.

* * * * * * *

A map of the Puget Sound is on the wall of my new room.

My hometown is completely out of sight,

on the opposite side of the state...

The smell of the once distant ocean drifts through the window.

Fear of the unknown comes in waves, some stronger than others.

A barge makes its presence known in the night.

The horn blast reverberates atop the water, the sand,

& then echoes across the land on which I know reside. 

There's no denying: I was scared to come here. 

I'm a stick in the mud, a creature of habit -

Change just isn't my thing. 

& yet change is everything.
Change is the only constant.

How can we grow without letting go of our fears?

With that said, I can't lie (believe me, I've tried),

my confidence doesn't travel well.

Hell, it often runs dry.

Over my 22 years, I've relied on others to remind me who I am.

I will miss those friends more than anything...

But this isn't goodbye, it's only "til next time."

Thanks to them, I don't have to begin again.

I'm beyond fortunate; I really do have it made.

I may now be in a different place,

but it's still the same face looking back at me in the mirror.

This move has made one thing clear:

This house may or may not become my home,

but I, alone, must become my own comfort zone.

Happiness derives from within.

Update (Forever) in Progress

He sat there,

spinning around in a swivel chair,

frustrated by it all.

His laptop was on the smooth oak counter in front of him.

The system update was progressing rather slowly…

- - - 25% complete - - -

He began to explore the Web while waiting,

quickly becoming entangled.

He signed into Facebook to take a look

at the girls who habitually post pictures –

not believing in their beauty until receiving at least 15 likes,
their confidence depending on the comments. 

He scrolled down through the plagiarized quotes,

the list of borrowed song lyrics – copied & pasted.

What’s the point?

To pretend that you have it figured out more than most?

To make people think on the other side of their screens,

“Hey, yes! By God, that’s it! He’s found it!”

The meaning of life in a post.

- - - 50% complete - - -

 How confusing…

He signed out, began perusing through the links,

looking for his calling,

the dream,

the scheme,

the means

in which he would make all of his money.

How about a firefighter?

A liar A lawyer?

Or what about a psychologist?

He began to lose himself in the lists

somebody else had devised for him.

He took a personality test so someone else could tell him.

INFJ, it said.

“Oh, that was easy.

Wait… what does that even mean?”

- - - 75% complete - - -

& the search continues…

He gave up, put his headphones on,

put his head in his hands in defeat.

Next thing, he woke up,

not quite sure how long he’d seemingly been asleep.

He looked up to find that the laptop was off,

the update undoubtedly complete.

His reflection was looking back at him in the now black & empty screen.

They stared at each other for a while, analyzing, smiling.

His grandmother opened up the door, startling them.

He paused the song in his head.

“There you are,” she said. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“Why, yes, here I am.

I guess I’ve been here all along.”

- - - 1∞%  - - -

Harmonious

If you think about it,

sharing music with someone else

really means a lot.

Whether we're willingly able to admit it or not,

we seek outside advice

about how to best live our lives.

Music is a convenient,

entertaining, communication medium

that allows us to hear the rhythm

other people live their lives to.

As a result we're allowed to reflect,

& consequently edit,

our own flow.

We listen to music the most when we're together

& when we're alone.

We listen to music when we're allowed

to freely sing as shitty as we please,

when we're allowed to dance

as embarrassingly as we deem fit.

We listen to music so we don't have to pretend.

Our favorite tune is our favorite

because it helps us relate,

helps us feel real & genuine.

When somebody else shares their music with you

they're voluntarily and vulnerably revealing

a piece of their personality.

To me, that's the embodiment of friendship.

Such is the Flux

Magazine covers with the beauty queens on ‘em

Always end up in the trash

Trendy fashions transform into fads

Nothing lasts

Yeah, we can’t have the good without the bad

No, we can’t be happy without first being sad

Hide your wounded pride inside

Ride those tides

Don’t forget to smile every once in a while

Even though it always seems

Like we’re rolling smoothly

Right into a rut

But, such is the flux of life

Before you start to worry

Please promise me that you’ll see

The opportunity

In every difficulty

When pressure is pushing you down

Just know it’ll come back around

In the meantime…

Hide your wounded pride inside

Ride those tides

Don’t forget to smile every once in a while

Even though it always seems

Like we’re rolling smoothly

Right into a rut

But, such is the flux of life

Such is the flux of life

Endure the downs

Appreciate the ups

Every peak has two valleys

Endure the downs

Appreciate the ups

Every peak has two valleys

A mind devoted to negativity

Is blind to the ubiquitous beauties of reality

Don’t forget to smile every once in a while

Don’t forget to smile every once in a while

Even though it always seems

Like we’re rolling smoothly

Right into a rut

But everything will be all right

Such is the flux of life

I Love My Mom

I love you more than words can say

But I guess I can try anyway...

I look to you when I'm happy

I listen to you when I'm bitter

You make it even better

& you make it all seem not so bad

I can't help but smile

At all the good times we've had

It hasn't all been good, though...

During those trying times

When sorrow

Overpowered the prospects of tomorrow

I won't lie

I had to borrow some of your courage

You've taught me patience

& endurance

I've become stronger

Through your words of encouragement

Even though I outweigh you now

(practically twofold)

You're still the strongest person I know

I know, I've already said that you're the embodiment of good character

But I have to say it again

Because I will be forever grateful

For I am most fortunate

To have innately adopted

Even a few of your characteristics

No matter what way I look at it

Despite all of my new perspectives

I'll never have to swallow my pride

To say that you're the most important person in my life

Mom, it's an absolute privilege to be your son

Grandma 1 & 2

Even in the arms of her groom

Her eyes rested on the most attractive woman in the room

You see, conformity forced her to be the same

To live up to her name

Society said that success for a woman

Was determined by a ring & children

So she listened

She ignored the innate instinct within

She said “I do,” three times, had two kids

Of course, living a lie

She was never truly satisfied

Used, abused

She was losing herself

One day, she gathered up enough strength to walk away

She knew she couldn’t hide her true self anymore

So she decided to see what she was all about

Came out

& welcomed what the future had in store

Always working so damn hard just to blend in

She went on vacation

That was when they met

A remarkable relationship ensued as a result of that cruise

Her happiness began when she accepted her sexuality

Her happiness began when she met Patsy

* * * * * * *

I was seven when I realized my grandma was a lesbian

That friendly woman who was always with her

Was more than just a friend

Some wanted our bond to end

Wanted to keep me away because they were gay

“He doesn’t need to be in that environment”

“It’ll poison his mind, their life is a sin”

What toxic logic, to discriminate because of a harmless difference

Ironic how religion preaches love, but breeds hate

Thankfully my mom knew better than to let me grow up without them

Grandma Sue taught me to always look within

She’s wise, yet has the personality of a rebel

By watching her I learned how to listen

Her love for others, simply admirable

Patsy showed me the importance of curiosity

I sure discovered a lot on those treasure hunt walks

I called the things we found "clues"

I still do

Her dedication will always be an inspiration to me

There will always be opposition in regard to this predisposition

But, popular opinion is finally catching up with morality

At least in this sense

I mean, it only makes sense

To let people be who they were meant to be

& to let them legally love

whoever they want to be with forever

* * * * * * *

Earlier today, I heard her say

“You’ve always been my Cubman

Now I want you to be my ring bearer”

20 years after their serendipitous beginning

There will be a wedding

They’re still deciding on a date, but I couldn't wait

I had to write about it

Despite all that has tried to convince them otherwise

Their love has thrived

Grandma Sue, Patsy

Grandma 1, Grandma 2

I am so, so proud of you

From Father to Son

I was five when I heard those gunshots

echo across town

It was a hot night, July of ‘96

I was cuddled up with Mom

The bedroom window was open

She was singing me to sleep

It was such a peaceful song

I remember how she flinched

In an instant

I knew

She knew

That a part of both of our lives

was gone

* * * * * * *

Let me tell you a tale

About a guy who died too damn young

I’ve heard he could’ve been a standup comedian

Man, how I’ve lived with his demons…

The man I remember

is a memory I want to forget

That thunderous knock on the door

“Let me in! I just want to see my son!”

The welling tears in her eyes, my mom

Telling me to hide

He was only twenty-five

I don’t remember much

I meet him through their stories

Apparently, he was everyone’s friend

People gravitated toward him

Ironic

that he was the only one

Who brought himself down

Ironic

that he brought others up

But practically put himself in the ground

My dad met his end because of $200 worth of meth

I know the name of the man who shot him

I know they still haven’t caught him

* * * * * * *

I’ve met a lot of the people he was close with

It’s the same thing, every time

They gasp when I walk in the room

Sometimes even begin to cry

Sometimes I cry without even knowing why

It took me awhile to see

I have such a hard time missing him

Because he still walks with me

He still talks to me

My angel tells me to confront my demons

Tells me to be different

This time I'm listening